Emails from My Mom, too funny not to forward
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My apartment was a mess. It smelled like wood from the Ikea pieces I had bought that still lay in their boxes, and my fridge was a science project. I only had takeout cartons that had lost their shapes, but much worse, they had all grown spores. I would just place the remains of my meals back in the fridge, next to a half-eaten sandwich.
I was very alone. I needed something to comfort me. I opened a classic novel I had acquired and read myself to sleep. I went to work the next day, and I could tell my boss, who had hired me on the novel idea of having a washed-up former child actor behind the counter, was patient with all my learning curves, but was also irritated with me.
I went back to my apartment after work, feeling like a bit of a loser. I looked around the dirty apartment. Everything I touched had turned to shit. The fridge.
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The sink! The furniture that lay lifeless on the floor in 50 pieces. And the laundry. I hurled myself on the bed and clutched my pillow, staring at the wall all night.
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As the sun crept into the creepy alley outside my bedroom window, I knew I had survived another night. Something had to give. The first time I went to a laundromat, I was talking to myself all the way. And the liquid fabric softener goes in the dryer? I walked in. I went to the machines. Which ones were which? The circle shapes all around started to close in on me.
I was screwed. I just stood there. After a while, like a kid cheating on a test, I just started to spy on whatever other people were doing. Needless to say, I put the bleach directly on the clothes, then I put the liquid fabric softener right in the dryer. When I pulled out the dalmatian-spotted jeans and the gummy towels, I knew I had done it all wrong. I needed Justine to tell me what to do. And once I had mastered it, I began actually to look forward to the laundry. I could be domestic, read my book and eat Chinese from the place next door in a carton with chopsticks.
What was my next adventure going to be? Once I was emancipated, I had simply dropped out of school. I had been on film sets my whole life, receiving three hours a day of tutoring. I hated it when I went back to school, because kids were merciless, a chapter you are supposed to face. Not your original work? Add source. Error occurred when generating embed. Please check link and try again. These gave me a great, much needed laugh this morning!
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Jenn 1 year ago good save. Results Are Amazing. Hans 1 year ago Wow Miisa Seimola 1 year ago This one made laugh so hard I spit my coffee on my phone :D. Hans 1 year ago Very afraid. Steve Bowman 1 year ago If those phones existed 50 years ago, this would have been a Monty Python sketch. Steve Bowman 1 year ago The one time that autocorrect worked.
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Lisa 1 year ago ouch, I felt that. Steve Bowman 1 year ago I would love to see the reply. Adogcalledkitty 1 year ago 'I will not be normal until Thanksgiving turkey' is how I'm introducing myself from now on instead of saying nice to meet you. Aegon VI Targaryen 1 year ago please explain that sketch though :P. NoAssumedName 1 year ago A minute of silence for our fallen brother :'. Chiara Burnell 1 year ago the teacher didn't question the mistake. Hans 1 year ago What is this thing of parties in the US when the parents are gone?
Alia Gail 1 year ago oh dear Helen Burgess 1 year ago HA! LapisLazuli 1 year ago "; ". Aegon VI Targaryen 1 year ago her cat is called neymar :P. Alia Gail 1 year ago same here. CelSlade 1 year ago XD. NoAssumedName 1 year ago "The car" sure